about a month ago, i had already heard some news about his current health and financial situation from my mom, and little snippets of his apparently mental paranoia and psychological breakdown from one-sided phone conversations my mom has been having with other family members. according to my mom, he is suffering from some kind of psychological problems: his temper, which was always short-fused, has become even more so, and is difficult to predict when it will blow out again; he is highly suspicious of anyone trying to help him and has this strange paranoia against all banks (which is understandable) and large institutions, as if he has in his mind some conspiracy theory about the world around him. worse, he has also directed much of this suspicion against many of his family members, including his sisters (my mom being one of them), and at times even his own wife.
today when i saw him upon visiting the restaurant he works at (he's a chef), i noticed that he had really aged a lot in these past few years... perhaps more than i would even want to admit. his eyes had an almost helpless glaze to them, and deep lines framed his face near the corners of his mouth and etched on his forehead. (i've never noticed that he had so many lines before!) he walked with a little limp, but perhaps he always had, only i hadn't noticed it before. at first he didn't recognize me, until he walked out into the lobby where we were seated. it wasn't until he realized who i was that his face broke into a sort of lopsided smile.
his son, John, my cousin, was near the back of the kitchen, and my uncle led me to say hi to him. i thought to myself, it must be christmas break for him, and since my aunt had to work, he was hanging out at the restaurant with his dad. John must have grown at least 5 times the size he was when i last saw him about 4 years ago at my dad's birthday dinner. my mom had said that he has some developing problems, adding onto his autistic condition. he now sits in a wheelchair, and if i hadn't known any better, i would have thought that he was obese. weighing at least 200 lbs, it's hard to remember that he's only ten years old. i said hi to him, and asked, do you remember me? he smiled shyly, and said no. i put my hand on his arm and asked, what game are you playing? and he just looked away and said no. then i asked him what grade he was in, and he pulled his hoodie over his head, smiled again, and while lowering his head said fourth grade. then i laughed and squeezed his arm a bit.
i went back to finish my lunch. uncle offered to pay, but i refused, even if our bill wouldn't have amounted to much. after we cleaned our plates, i waved to him through the kitchen doors and walked outside to meet up with my husband and the kids. in the car on the way back, my uncle stayed in my thoughts. i remember the times that he would take me out when i was still 5 or 6, and he would bring me to the amusement park and spoil me with cotton candy, popcorn, and coke. when i had to go to the bathroom, he would bring me into the men's. i also remember eating his wonderfully cooked dishes, and the times when he would teach me how to flip an egg without an utensil of any kind, using only gravity and good timing. i remember when i first left home for an exchange program to Japan, his whole family sent me off at the airport. at the time John was perhaps only a year old. this may not seem much of a gesture, but upon reflection, it really showed how much he cared.
and then my thoughts return to the present, and i see how much he has aged, and can only imagine how much his mind is deteriorating psychologically, and how much stress he has to carry on his back, working so hard with meagre earnings, and yet still bombarded with medical bills, mortgage payments, credit card bills, and so on............ and i can't help but feel a knot at my throat and my insides all twisting up in sadness.
is this the American Dream that he imagined himself living before coming to the US of A? could he have ever dreamed that he would be living like this thirty years ago when he and his sisters planned an escape as refugees?
it really breaks my heart to see him like this.
0 comments:
Post a Comment